Music brings so much joy to the world. It helps people come to terms with their emotions, whether high or low. It can evoke distinct nostalgia for times past. It can be used as a political force for change, to make provocative art, or even to enact important rituals, religious or not. However, as precious as the art form is, there is a lot of trash to be taken out in the music industry. So to exorcise the demons of this year, let's have a retrospective look some of the year's worst stories, and then what I consider to be the worst music that I've heard.
Buckle up my friends.
Buckle up my friends.
Fan tries to eat Molly Rankins' face at an Alvvays concert (see 3:30)
Imagine you are Molly, the lead singer of indie pop band Alvvays. You are doing a gig in Antwerp and are currently playing 'Party Police', a dreamy, tender, but driving song. You are in the zone, singing your heart out. You close your eyes to concentrate on your voice. You are completely immersed in your performance. You then open them to see some random guy two inches from your face looking to give you a big old kiss. What do you do? That's right, get the fuck away from him. Whatever was going through this man's mind, I will never know. I won't patronise you with the "post-Weinstein world" commentary, I'm sure you can figure what could be said through that lens in relation to this.
Fyre Festival flops
What was marketed:
The reality:
Yeah, the celebrity-endorsed, $12,000 ticket, dream get-away festival in the Bahamas, ended up looking like a post-apocalyptic wasteland through a woeful lack of preparation. I think just that final image of the so-called "five-star catering" poetically sums up the whole fiasco; a cheese sandwich hastily thrown together in the kind of panic one would have realising they have a 5,000-word essay due that same day. While it is deplorable that the fraudulent entrepreneur Billy McFarland and rapper Ja Rule put people's lives at stake leaving them stranded on an desolate island with barely any materials for basic survival, there is something quite hilarious about seeing rich kids living off the bank of mum and dad being placed into Lord of the Flies.
Kid Rock runs for Senator
*sigh* Has the US not learned about brain-dead celebrity demagogues from the orange man-baby in the White House?
Punk icon Johnny Rotten supports Trump and Brexit
Speaking of politics, the singer and founder of the iconic punks that were the Sex Pistols, and of pioneering post-punk act Public Image Ltd, seems to buy into the idea of a billionaire who employs bankers from Goldman Sachs, and has his own tower, its interior plated in gold, as "anti-establishment". He also loves a bit of identity politics, so he does not have to think for himself, saying he supported Brexit because "the working-class spoke, so I'm with them", the 52% that were duped by mega-rich, tax-exile press-barons like Rupert Murdoch. Okay Johnny, because that's not a complete betrayal of the revolutionary anarchist attitude that spoke to the youth of the 70's, and still speaks to them now. I would not expect him to support the European Union, or politics of any kind, left or right. But seeing the likes of Trump and Farage as punk rock? Wow.
The economic rise of Jake Paul... bro
One of the biggest artists that blew up this year was Disney Channel actor-turned-Vinestar-turned-vlogger, and fuckboy-extraordinaire, Jake Paul. His 'Everyday Bro' single, that contains some of the wackest bars ever heard such as, "I just dropped some new merch and it's selling like a god church" or "England is my city", had most of the internet's faces in their palms, and bros and tweens wetting their pants. But despite the fact it made him a worldwide laughing stock, there was a lot of attention, and when there is attention, there is money. His social media start-up, TeamDom, was financed by Chinese investment firm, Danhua, and other multinational sponsorship agencies. The result was that he actually has a legitimate position within hip-hop, getting to collaborate with likes of Gucci Mane and 21 Savage. If there was a definitive, toxic example of predatory consumer capitalism in music, this would be one of them.
My worst albums
Now it is time dig into the worst music I heard this year. These here were the albums that I listened to, and either died laughing, or just stopped listening altogether. A couple of which I went into knowing I would hate it, but hey, clearly I hate myself by subjecting myself to that torture. Here are six of them:
GEMINI by Macklemore
Without his usual producer and collaborator, Ryan Lewis, Macklemore has no idea how to make a song. So he just shallowly chases trends instead. He bites the Migos flow, slathers refrains in auto-tune like Future, and even makes a carbon copy of the D.R.A.M. and Lil Yachty feelgood single 'Broccoli' with 'Marmalade', even enlisting Lil Yachty for it. Does he bother to try and offer an alternative take on these common tropes? Nope, of course not. Oh, and expect him to try way too hard to pull your heartstrings, as per usual.
Cozy Tapes Vol. 2: Too Cozy by A$AP Mob
Too cozy indeed, so cozy I nearly drifted off into a coma. Not only do the beats seriously lack substance, it shows the rest of mob piggyback off of the charisma and quality of A$AP Rocky, delivering nothing of any note. Also the repetitive hooks get very tiresome, very quickly, especially when they are as embarrassing as the hook on 'Please Shut Up'. Listen to how lame that hook is and try not to laugh or cringe. It sounds like a snotty toddler throwing a tantrum.
17 by XXXTentacion
Mental health issues are very important, it is a topic that is very close to my heart. So there's nothing that rustles my feathers more than when I hear a scumbag try and deflect the fact that he abused his pregnant girlfriend, beating her to a pulp, by saying, "I'm depressed". I do not doubt that there is something severely wrong with the man, and that he does struggle with self-destructive thoughts. However that is no excuse for the vile list of accusations against him (which are being proven true in court). Not to forget the music on here, which mostly amounts to woeful attempts at lo-fi emo.
Everything Now by Arcade Fire
I love ABBA as much as the next man, but, like their fake news marketing campaign, bootleg ABBA songs are not fun to listen to. The oh-so edgy lyrics, the half-baked concept, the stale and often goofy dance jams - total car crash. I did a more comprehensive piece back in August on why this went so wrong, but it does need to be reminded that here, they artistically fell off a cliff.
Revival by Eminem
Let's be honest, Eminem has been sub-par since 2002; giving us rap's answer to cock rock is not the way to win critical acclaim back. His intentions here are admirable, using his platform to preach a political message. The execution? Awful. The corn levels reach critical, with sappy ballache piano ballads, rap-rock instrumentals that sound like they were performed by Nickelback, and lines such as "I'm so narcissistic, when I fart, I sniff it / do a fake dab to smell my armpits with it". Oh well, most white people will still hail him as 'the G.O.A.T.', commenting on a culture they don't engage with, nor know anything about.
÷ (Divide) by Ed Sheeran
No explanation needed.
GEMINI by Macklemore
Without his usual producer and collaborator, Ryan Lewis, Macklemore has no idea how to make a song. So he just shallowly chases trends instead. He bites the Migos flow, slathers refrains in auto-tune like Future, and even makes a carbon copy of the D.R.A.M. and Lil Yachty feelgood single 'Broccoli' with 'Marmalade', even enlisting Lil Yachty for it. Does he bother to try and offer an alternative take on these common tropes? Nope, of course not. Oh, and expect him to try way too hard to pull your heartstrings, as per usual.
Cozy Tapes Vol. 2: Too Cozy by A$AP Mob
Too cozy indeed, so cozy I nearly drifted off into a coma. Not only do the beats seriously lack substance, it shows the rest of mob piggyback off of the charisma and quality of A$AP Rocky, delivering nothing of any note. Also the repetitive hooks get very tiresome, very quickly, especially when they are as embarrassing as the hook on 'Please Shut Up'. Listen to how lame that hook is and try not to laugh or cringe. It sounds like a snotty toddler throwing a tantrum.
17 by XXXTentacion
Mental health issues are very important, it is a topic that is very close to my heart. So there's nothing that rustles my feathers more than when I hear a scumbag try and deflect the fact that he abused his pregnant girlfriend, beating her to a pulp, by saying, "I'm depressed". I do not doubt that there is something severely wrong with the man, and that he does struggle with self-destructive thoughts. However that is no excuse for the vile list of accusations against him (which are being proven true in court). Not to forget the music on here, which mostly amounts to woeful attempts at lo-fi emo.
Everything Now by Arcade Fire
I love ABBA as much as the next man, but, like their fake news marketing campaign, bootleg ABBA songs are not fun to listen to. The oh-so edgy lyrics, the half-baked concept, the stale and often goofy dance jams - total car crash. I did a more comprehensive piece back in August on why this went so wrong, but it does need to be reminded that here, they artistically fell off a cliff.
Revival by Eminem
Let's be honest, Eminem has been sub-par since 2002; giving us rap's answer to cock rock is not the way to win critical acclaim back. His intentions here are admirable, using his platform to preach a political message. The execution? Awful. The corn levels reach critical, with sappy ballache piano ballads, rap-rock instrumentals that sound like they were performed by Nickelback, and lines such as "I'm so narcissistic, when I fart, I sniff it / do a fake dab to smell my armpits with it". Oh well, most white people will still hail him as 'the G.O.A.T.', commenting on a culture they don't engage with, nor know anything about.
÷ (Divide) by Ed Sheeran
No explanation needed.
My worst song, music video, just the worst thing ever to be honest
Leaving the worst 'til last, this was easily the worst thing I've seen and heard all year, possibly ever. I do not even know where to start. Do I start with the blatant racism against Asians glaring me in the face? Do I start with the misogynistic gender politics, amounting women to just wanting "sucky sucky, fucky fucky" for 50 bucks? What about the horrendous representation of exploited sex workers? Or him bragging about this shit to his bros over a 'brewski'? The irritating hook? The nauseating video that literally turns into a porno?
You know what? I'm not going to start at all. Just feast your eyes on this absolute shocker.
You know what? I'm not going to start at all. Just feast your eyes on this absolute shocker.